Tears in Colombo

Colombo is beautiful but the trip is not. I have once again lost my virtue. I tried to love, but I am such a worm. Tears came rolling as I walked the streets alone the morning after. As I looked up the clear blue sky, I talked to the One that love me most. I spoke about my disappointment with why I always appear selfish and uncaring when my intentions have always been for the best of others my fallen mind can conceive. I tried, Lord you know, to give the best to them. They felt that I was just being mean. I don;t know how to make this sound as neutral as possible. I will have to say that this is my side of the story.

A friend came along and but had to stay in the room all day finishing up some work. So, left with me and another friend to go for early dinner. We went to an unexpected restaurant, it was nice and as it was buffet, we had to pack food back for him. As we were on the way to pack dinner, the tut tut drive drove pass the road leading to the hotel, so immediately I said, hey, do you think he would like to go walk around and see what's to his fancy instead of just buying Mcdonald's since he didn't go out since arriving. M friend said that he must be tired but I was like, I have known him for years, I don't think he is physically tired after sitting in the room doing transcribing. It's nothing too taxing or difficult. Immediately, his voice was raised and what I felt was uncalled for comments about me afraid of heights and not jumping into water when I took up diving lessons from him came hurling.

I was deeply taken aback. I am a very sensitive guy and those actions hurt me tremendously. What did I do wrong now? To that I asked. The friend just walked off, leaving me behind. Just because you think he is young and cute, he deserves all your attention while every idea from me is deemed as a bad one with ill intention? I have known you for a decade, wasn't I there for you through thick and thin without expecting? And now that I introduce this other friend to you that is to your fancy whom you have just got to know for a month, you should treat me this way. Anger overwhelmed me. Lord forgive me.

Single at the Crossroad

This is a long overdue entry. It didn't come earlier not because I was shy or afraid to talk about this, but the urge wasn't there. As time passes, the question of settling down increases exponentially. Hints from my parents have now increased to be blatant question as to why I not settling down and they even pose very outright questions like, “Hey, you think you are so good is it. Stop being choosy. You are old.”

This blog entry is what I would deem as an Apology (Yeah, I have always admired Socrates).

The ultimate question about me being choosy is a contradiction in itself, a fallacy that needs no explanation to the wise, but probably requires base level answers to the superficial. For every decision in life, we all make choices based on our value system, from our favourite mamak stall to our life partners. A life partner is the one person that I would stick with for the rest of my life in which I have a choice. I can't choose my parents, my siblings (if I were to have) nor my relatives. But, the one I return home to each night, my better half, the one person I am going make love with till death do us part (or till libido ceases) , surely it can't be something as casual as to which pyjamas I choose to sleep in.

On another note, yes, I did have feelings for a few (too many I would say) throughout my life. The first crush I had was when I was 13 (yeah, it;s monkey love). But the harsh reality is that it didn't work out. Of course I was heartbroken and felt like a loser. The reasons they gave didn't help either. Well, you are not good looking enough. I think you ask too many difficult questions. Why can't we just be more relaxed and talk lighter stuffs. Enough of philosophy and theology and reasoning.

To me, a life unexamined is not worth living. Death is better than a life lived casually.

The one thing that I realise now is that it's really because God has been good that none worked out (gosh, what took me so long to come to terms with Him). It's because he didn't want them to. For this I am sure now, at last. He wanted me to endure sufficient heartaches to remember and would really mean it when I pray that He will prepare the love of my life as someone who would make me honour Him more. God listens. He answers.

Looking back at my foolishness, the ones that I have poured my love to has never been any pious Christian. Yes, not even ONE of them. How long must I endure before I understand. The Holy Spirit illuminates. Was blind (by lust), but now I see (the truth).

And how about the occasional people who have showed interest and could have been good Christians. I believe if two people strongly pray for the same thing and if it's God's will, things will just happen. For me, I have not felt that before with any of them. And perhaps those that have expressed does not give me the assurance of godliness. Hope my judgement is justified in good faith.

Yes, I am now at a crossroad. I have always felt that single hood is probably what I would end up with. Don't ask me if I think I have the gift of single hood. Don't be shallowly annoying to even think of asking me that. As temptations soar, I pray that God give me stronger wings. If he wants me to be single, He will have to give me strength to overcome sexual desires.

I respect John Stott's view on being single. He has always been a contemporary Christian scholar in the English speaking world whom I look highly upon. Let you read about it yourself if you are curious to know more how his views affect mine. If that matters to you.

Psa 130:3-4 If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? (4) But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.

Two of my friends came up to me on separate occasions and asked me to pray for them. They opened up saying that they have just been diagnosed HIV+. They not not each other, but the despair on their voices had me not knowing what to say. What should i tell them now? God is love and that all is going to be well? God is righteous and hence you now reap what you sow?

I prayed for wisdom and faith and I listen to them tell me what life is going to be like for them till they die. Yes, death strikes when we least expect it, but how do we live knowing that we are going to die for one who is young, successful, good looking and with everything seem to be going their way?

When we are sick, we do all we can to get well again. We abstain with fear things that would worsen our condition. Looking back at how I felt that God's forgiveness is something that gives me the comfort to do what I like knowing that everything is going to be well at the end is but a fool I am. One the contrary, if there is no forgiveness, I can do what I like without fear cause I am going to be condemned in the end anyway. God's word tore down all my foolish thoughts into pieces. For it is when there is forgiveness, He should be feared.

When stricken with terminal illness, they can enjoy as much as they want cause death is nigh. When there is a chance of recovery, they would fear anything that would make them worse. But, praise be to God that even when illness that we so deserve takes away our life, He is there right beside us to take us through. I pray they could feel His presence stronger each passing day, till they could see Him face to face.

Failed communication with most people

It's a fact. I have heard this since I was a kid. The first recollection that made a huge impact on me was from a much older sister at church whom i admire for her talents and wits. She wrote me a note saying that one of my greatest weakness is that I come across most of the time as arrogant and difficult. I read it, locked it in my private "drawer -of-everything-important" and took it out to read ever so often.

Communication is not my strength (ironic for the fact that I am an interpreter by profession and linguistics is part of my post graduate pursuit). Guess all the knowledge in the world does not help one to comunciate better.

I consciously make the effort to express things as plain as possible. The response I get: Sam you make things complicated. When I try to ask for clarifcations, people think I am challening them with rhetorics. I tried my best to ask in the least intimidating manner possible. But I failed, time and again...

Memories are made of these…

My mind is in a mess, most of the time. Why is it so natural that the things I find it hardest to forget is how I have been mistreated and how I have treated others well, but it’s also the easiest for me to forget how others have treated me well and how I have mistreated others? Kyrie eleison

God is Good but He is not Safe

The subheading of the pastor‘s sermon pierced my thoughts, the very fact that it still kept resounding in my mind after a few weeks bears witness to it. Thoughts like these don’t happen often and never expected attending a one off Sunday service at Kampar Methodist during the Festival of Minds at UTAR would leave an afterthought lasting weeks. I preached about God’s mercy and his righteousness but this very attribute never did come across so clearly than that Sunday.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever! Psalms: 111:10

A Near Perfect Afternoon

Earthly Pleasures - my favaourite scones, yes I am a self declared expert on scones. The best ones is surprisingly not in the highlands. Carcosa has good ones but quite pricey. Stumbled upon the ones at Delicious at Midvalley. Good. The one at Lakeview is not good but the view make up for it.

Eternal Destiny - Having the chance to re-read Van Til's Christian Apologetics, the apologist I owe my entire system of how I see philosophy and theology in its organic relationship. A struggle since undergraduate days. Shall put in a nutshell some of the most important principles Van Til has laid down. Look out for it if you ever wonder on questions like authority vs reason and is there really a point of contact for Christians and atheist as well as agnostics.