Monday, August 31, 2009
End of this Book
I have never written about any of previous friendships. This would be an exception. The story, one that has lasted over 10 years, spanned over three very important phases in my life, high school, university and the first few years of my working life must now come to its final paragraphs. A story of joy, and care, lies and deceptions, trust and finally, coming to my senses. Common sense as a dear brother would put it.
I must say that this is once again the story from one's perspective, my part of the story. How else can stories be told.
I never forget the night we met at a friend's birthday dinner. Ken said you were his good friend. Though you were more than two times my age, I didn't mind. I have grown up learning to love. It's a struggle, cause it's not my nature. I was always been notorious for being unkind to others. One day my Sunday school teacher told me something I would never forget. “Who are you not to love them? They are also made in His image. If you say that you love Him, how can you not also love those that He loves.” Those words I hold true each time I feel like killing someone. Not literally of course.
The birthday dinner was a good evening. Being 19 then and a weird loner, having someone who seemed caring was a feeling I can't forget. Yes, I already have had many people around me. But deep inside, I am a lonely guy trying to fit into people around whom I lose interest ever so quickly. After dessert at Hagen Dazz, my first time sampling something which was a luxury for me, the sweetness lasted. But for the record, I am not interested in old men. Period.
The initial meal was followed by phone calls after phone calls. Never felt that anyone would find me interesting enough to do that. I have always been the one left out of everything, I even overheard my parents discussing the fact that I am only a burden to them and bring shame to the family. I was only 13 and the only child. I cried to sleep for many years after that. Sometimes I can't help throwing tantrums then when others just seemed too illogical to understand me. Perhaps they never felt important enough to.
There were the times when you would wait for me to finish school and go for lunch. Even though I usually had duties as the head boy and lunches had to be short, I treasured the many times you did that for me. I felt being treated special. No other persons have treated me that way.
As I learned to trust, I introduced some of my close friends to him. I sincerely felt that to know more about me, get to know my friends too and see what you think about them. At hindsight, this is probably why he seldom want to let me know his friends. There was always secrecy while I wore my heart. Perhaps I was being unfair to expect others to be like me. His latest interest told me why I can't just close one eye. I should just leave it superficially.
My values are different. Why close one eye when God gave us two? To everyone, I hide nothing. This may sound illogical, but I speak from my heart, not my mind. It may appear emotional, but they are real. There was not a single malicious lie from me to hide anything from anyone. Search my heart Lord, and you be my witness. For only You I fear.
I hold on to the belief that things that are done in secret when there's something to hide. People hide because of fear. Why are you afraid when I peeped into your monitor? Privacy is an excuse. If it's something you are proud of, I am sure you want the whole world to know. I might have accused you for pretending that you know, but why the accidental sms says,” Just tell Samuel I dropped you off at KTM at 4 plus. Between you and me. You are very special to me.” You have only known him for a month.
The cycle of you secretly asking my friends out on the pretext that I am busy is not new. Of course I felt hurt. What more when later one friend told me, “Hey, do you know that he told he actually prefer to go out with me alone as he said he doesn't really like your company. Good that you are busy.” You never asked me to come along when you go out with my friends that interests you, even just after the first introduction. I was hoping that my friend was just being slanderous, but it turned out to be the truth.
When I was young, I confess that I do make excuses not to see you as I don't like you paying for all the meals and at the same time I can't afford to be going out so often. I never wanted anything. If I can't afford it, I would not get it. That's why in uni I was just always at the library.
Back at high school, I already had to work to earn my pocket money. My thirst for information was getting costly. I had to juggle between food, petrol, misc expenses, books after books and national geographic. Sounds silly, but books were my best lovers. I can spend hours pouring through Halliday & Resnick to Anselm. You never bother to understand them and how they have shaped me.
Just wanted to tell you this. I also have lied. I actually love prawns. I never had any allergy. When we go for your favourite fried rice, I picked them all out for you because you like them more than I do. When I dropped by at your house to say I just happened to pass by after tuition and said durians were cheap, so I brought some, I used the last few dollars I had in my wallet. I was never contented of the things I did. It was not enough to show how much I appreciated the way you treated me.
I consciously remember the good that you have done and forget the bad. You have given me things that even my parents couldn't. I have told you that in my last letter to you. Those were just some of them. I remember. As much as my memory can retain, I remember all of them. I can name them one by one the good you have done for me.
So, when I started working and had a bit more to spare, I passed you cash when you needed them. What interest have I got in chipping in 20k for a boat that is hardly brought up. When you needed money, I gave you what I have in my wallet if that had been enough. When you needed to go to the island and had problem with cash, I gave you my credit card so that you can use it for petrol. I went into debt. The debt with my credit card from you mounted to 10k. Did I ever push you to pay for them though sometimes I really find it hard to continuously settle this amount one after another.
I am a hyper sensitive guy. You know it but sometimes it makes me feel you don't bother. You rather treat your new friends better. Showering them with generosity. Seriously, it's your choice. But when you said if it's not because you owe me so much, you would have just said “haha” to all my tantrums, my heart sank. So, you are treating me better now and sending me up and down which you know I appreciate very much, simply because you owe me? So, if you had been rich and well off, I don't mean a thing to you? Like how you just keep silence for months sometimes in the past. You had money and I was a student.
You can choose who you want to treat special. I was always the back up. There would be periods of silence when you have someone younger, fresher or cuter that came along. Casting me aside. Some of them being friends I introduced to you. I was a fool to cry over such things. Cheap tears.
Keith was right when he said you were simply a dirty old man preying on young guys. I was stupid to fend for you and quarrelled with him unnecessarily by telling him about the good I see in you.
I wish I could just remember all the good you have done for me and forget all the bad. I wish I could just forget all the good I have done and just remember how bad I was for throwing tantrums and making you wait while I get ready. You always said I treated you second, but tell me who other I have cared for more. When did I ever leave you out when you can come. Wasn't I the one who invited you to come for these trips.
As abrupt as this story is, the relationship too must now come a close. Tell me if this is not true. All the rest, came, took all they can from you and go. I leave owing you nothing. So, stop talking to me like I owe you the world. When I did a little mistake, you screamed at me. Hey, I braved the rain for your sake. But your tone changes drastically when talking with him. How should I feel?
I treat all my friends the same. You know that. Even for the undeserving, like Miss WW. That's the least I could do for people around me. But you don't. You are inconsistent. Of course I would wonder why when you treat some good. It's not your nature to do so.
For these ten years, I have always wanted to talk, but you gave it shallow. When I write, you refuse to read. Telling me no need. I have many a times said I don't express well. You just disregard. Yes, I am a geek. I have no communication skills, but I am honest. I am with integrity.
When I touched ground in KL from this trip to Colombo, it had been a path of illumination by the Holy Spirit. This must story must now come it's the last page, last line, The End.